Is It My Fault I'm Unhealthy?

Yes, and no.

Oh, how much simpler it would be if I could have titled this post "It's YOUR fault you're unhealthy!" or "It's NOT your fault . . ." Not only would it sound firm and convincing, but it also would have drawn in twice the audience; the part that already agrees with the statement, and the part that wants to argue vehemently about it.

But I'm more of a perspective person--stand back and really think about it. Once you do that, wow! 95% of all your statements will end with question marks followed by the phrase "well, yes and no."

But enough of that!

This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. And my lungs, And my throat and sinus cavities. Oh, just about every speck of my body because I am the type that is "always sick." I have had more than my share of people looking at me, or hearing I was sick again and then offering me unsolicited and off-base suggestions based on their erroneous assumptions. It occurred to me while I was tuning out the latest person to tell me I should eat more vegetables, that all this input was probably because society has completely swallowed the illusion that we are totally in control of our health.

Now, we do have some measure of control. This is very true, and very important. We control what we eat, how we exercise, how we sleep, and to a great extent the amount of stress we bring into our lives (and this is coming from a mother of two autistic children). Once you've covered those four major bases, you are supposed to have covered the vast majority of what it means to be healthy.

Still, that's not all of it.

You could go even further--you could move to get cleaner air; you could go to a therapist to learn how to have fulfilling relationships; you could Purell your hands every hour (this btw, is not actually a very good thing to do); you can take pro-biotics, vitamins and  Omega-3 pills daily; you could sit in the woods for an hour each weekend; etc &etc.

But at the end of all the hazzah and crazyness and after ever hour of your life is devoted to obsessing about your health, it is still not completely in your control. There is still the past, and the unaccountable.

Now, it's true that the past may be "your fault," in that you made some bad decisions that negatively impacted your health on a pretty drastic scale. Especially if it is still plaguing you. However, something can be caused by you, and still not be changeable. So while some of it may be your fault, there is nothing you can do about it. If there is nothing you can do to change the decisions in your past, then the healthiest thing you can do is let go. Don't let others harass you about it either. It's done. If you are doing your absolute best, and still you have problems because of choices in your past, then it is effectively out of your hands.

So in a past-reflective sense, if you are doing the best you can, is your health still your fault? I guess so, but it's not a healthy way of looking at it. In a now-oriented sense, if you are doing the best you can, then your bad health isn't your fault because there is nothing you can do about it. If you can't do anything about it, is it your fault? No. It may have once been, but it is not now.

Now this fancy juggling with words is not letting someone off the hook for their responsibility. This is permission for people to forgive themselves, let go of something they have no control over, and accept that their best is only their practical, actual best--not some theoretical and utterly impossible "best."

The last of it all is the unaccountable. It might be where you were born; when you were born; who your parents are; if there was too much yellow in your nursery; if you caught a cold when you were a baby; if you didn't eat enough dirt; if you ate the wrong dirt; or things are just the way they are and no one but God knows why. The unaccountable is endless because we live in a world that is always changing. One of the hard truths of this life is that a person can be doing the best for themselves, and their health is still mysteriously crippled. It happens. It's the nature of life. We do get sick. There is nothing we can do to anticipate, or prevent this happening completely--this must be accepted.

This essay is for two people.

To the person who is sick, and who for the thousandth time has searched online for any clue as to why they can't get better despite all the things they have done or tried. Recognize that much of your health is in your control . . . but the rest is not. Do the best you can with what you can control, and then rest and let go. Don't continue blaming yourself for things that you can't change or control. Sometimes life is about learning how to live even when you're sick.

To the person who judges the sick--stop. If you don't know with utter certainty what they eat each day, or what they've done to improve their health, or all the trouble they've gone through trying to fix what seems to be an un-fixable problem, then be very careful what you say. Telling them to lay off sugar when they haven't had any for over a year, or trying to teach them the importance of stress reduction when all they can do is lay in bed all day from exhaustion, demonstrates that you think they are doing something wrong, when you have no idea what they are doing at all. A new idea, or a kind suggestion is not a bad thing (tactfully done), but be sure it applies before you offer it, and remember that in the end all your good advice, even strictly followed, may never have the power to bring them back to health.

Many people speak with authority about health, simply because they are lucky enough to be healthy. They feel like they are in control of it because it is currently going their way. It may not always go their way. It was and never will be completely in their control.