Love, Ego, and Recognition

The other day I was chewing some mental-cud over two different forms of love I see wandering around. The first is the type of love that seems to have no basis on knowing who a person is--the love we may feel for groups of people, strangers, or acquaintances. The other type of love is the more personal love we feel for the people we really know--family members and sweethearts. I caught myself thinking about how much nicer it is to be loved because people actually know you and "love you for who you are. . ."

Then I stopped, and had to think again.

Because we don't really want that. Not really. The trouble with being loved because of who you are is that it is a conditional love. You may change. You may grow out of your behavior. You may pick up a new habit, or let another one go. Your thinking may mellow with age. You are always changing. If someone loves you because of who you are, then there is absolutely no garentee that their love will endure the change.

Some might think this is a good thing. They want to actually earn love--especially those who think they deserve love because they are good or better (the unstated comparison there is "better than others"). But that is just as hazy and uncertain because what makes a person good or better is only a judgement. Those who value hard work will value hard work in others, but it's just as easy to value a relaxed attitude, or a sense of fun, or numberless other attributes. You can be more honest, you can be more caring, you can be more intelligent, and to some extent you can claim this is objective. However, in order for you to be good, or better, someone has to be standing across from you, and saying that being more intelligent is better. So once again, love is based on something that is conditional, and subject to change, because people's values change and evolve as they grow.

Now we have entered a very gray area. There are many who would point out that "wanting to deserve love" can be a very good thing. So many movies and books where the shady past of the hero is put aside because he wants to be worthy of the woman he loves. All very romantic, I'm sure. And far be it from me to discourage someone gaining virtue or leaving behind vice . . . but all the same . . . it seems like a fairly shallow tool. Yes, it may work--but for how long, and under what conditions? What if the lover leaves, dies, or the infatuation wears off? I think it is much wiser for someone to step back from the moment of passion and ask themselves why they feel unworthy. Isn't that really them passing judgment on their own behavior?  So are they really changing because of the judgements of others, or because they have judged themselves based on what they value, and found themselves lacking?

But it is hard to ignore the fact that it seems natural to want to be loved for who we are. I'm pretty sure that inclination is just us playing hide and seek with out deepest desires. Again (it's a common game). Really, I think we want to be known. Sure our egos would love the affirmation that once known, people approve of us, but when you strip yourself of that 'need", or come to realize how empty such  approval is (as it depends of the opinions, conditions and attitudes of others . . . all of which are almost completely outside of your control), then I think that right there in the newly emptied and swept room you can finally see the pattern on the floor that says we want to be known and loved.

That's the highest form of love. To know who someone is, and to love them without unnecessary judgement. To love them as you watch them change and grow. Children thrive on this type of love; where they are safe to grow up to be who they are, free from the painful judgements or caging approvals of their parents. And I'm just sentimental enough to really believe that our needs as children are just masked, twisted or hidden as adults.

I also believe that past the rigamarole of trying to define our love for one another, most relationships are actually like that. A woman may claim she loves her husband because of one reason or another, but then as he changes, she still loves him and just comes up with new reasons. But on the other hand, I do think that it is easy to forget or lose sight of the nature of a healthy love when we are overcome by emotions, opinions and judgements about what's going on in the muddy work of our daily lives. Still, being aware of what it means to know and love someone will help to order our lives better*.

*"Better" here being a judgement that says being personally happier, and blessing others with love and unconditional support is a good thing.