Forget Family Time To Enjoy Parenting

I read an article that really put a tick in my ear. It talked all about how parents were miserable, and they claimed they weren’t because of “cognitive dissonance”—which is a fancy way of saying we’re trying to convince ourselves (and maybe others too) that we do in fact enjoy being parents.

Oh, yeah. Don’t get me started.

And though I could write annals on what was wrong with the article (*cough* blatant misuse of non-applicable research to prove a point with bad logic *cough*), I just don’t think I have the time to write the 400 page rant.

I am, after all, a mother.

And I like being a mother.

“Oh, there she goes again with her cognitive dissonance. The poor thing.”

Not quite. I think one of the reasons that so many parents are less happy than non-parents is two fold; 1) I think that society actually trains us to not like being parents (another blog post for another time), and 2) we don’t really know how to enjoy being parents. After all, while I always loved my children (God cheats with that whole maternal-instinct thing) it took me a long time to figure out how to enjoy being their Mom.

Ironically, one of the grossly misapplied studies the article actually highlighted a small point that I would like to comment on. The author talked about how a study found that parents claim to enjoy spending time with their children, but when questioned after a family outing, they didn’t really enjoy it at all!

Ladies and gentlemen—the absolute fastest way to learn to enjoy being a parent is learning effective loving discipline. . .

But! The second fastest way to learn to enjoy being a parent is letting  go of your plans and learning to love them in your normal day.

I remember when I was inspired by numerous articles to try and create artificial times for my family to be together in a common activity. It sucked. Maybe there are some families that have made this work . . . magically. Seriously, I have no idea how they do it, but kudos to them! For the rest of us, with older children, you might have a chance (depending on the level of belligerence) but with younger children, my experience says families aren’t going to really enjoy it because plans never work out, things go wrong and it winds up being too much work. Stress is high, love factor is low.

When I let all that go, and tried to embrace a slowing down and relaxing, all of a sudden I had time to listen to them insult each other by calling the other “pancakes!” Or I could teach my son how to play Mario Brothers. Or I could read to my youngest. Or I could banish them to their room and come back after they had built a whole city with their blocks. I tried to say “yes” more often when they asked to play Candyland. And we watch cartoons together (gasp!) . . . all the time.

You know what? They are fun, funny, crazy, loving, bizarre little sociological experiments! I enjoy being around them. We tease each other (though I do demand a certain level of respect: see note on fastest way to enjoy being a parent-above). It’s relaxed and enjoyable. Because my stress level is lower since I'm not aggravated that my expectations aren't being met, I'm free to enjoy what is happening.

And now that they’re a little older, I may spontaneously decide it’s time to hit the big park, or go out for a small outing. But I try to never expect anything and just enjoy what happens, and I know that there isn’t much more than one hour before Z gets restless. It’s life!

P.S. The third  fastest way to become a happier parent is to throw all parenting magazines (not books—magazines) in a pile and light it on fire while fore-swearing them forever.