Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Is It My Fault I'm Unhealthy?
Yes, and no.
Oh, how much simpler it would be if I could have titled this post "It's YOUR fault you're unhealthy!" or "It's NOT your fault . . ." Not only would it sound firm and convincing, but it also would have drawn in twice the audience; the part that already agrees with the statement, and the part that wants to argue vehemently about it.
But I'm more of a perspective person--stand back and really think about it. Once you do that, wow! 95% of all your statements will end with question marks followed by the phrase "well, yes and no."
But enough of that!
This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. And my lungs, And my throat and sinus cavities. Oh, just about every speck of my body because I am the type that is "always sick." I have had more than my share of people looking at me, or hearing I was sick again and then offering me unsolicited and off-base suggestions based on their erroneous assumptions. It occurred to me while I was tuning out the latest person to tell me I should eat more vegetables, that all this input was probably because society has completely swallowed the illusion that we are totally in control of our health.
Now, we do have some measure of control. This is very true, and very important. We control what we eat, how we exercise, how we sleep, and to a great extent the amount of stress we bring into our lives (and this is coming from a mother of two autistic children). Once you've covered those four major bases, you are supposed to have covered the vast majority of what it means to be healthy.
Still, that's not all of it.
You could go even further--you could move to get cleaner air; you could go to a therapist to learn how to have fulfilling relationships; you could Purell your hands every hour (this btw, is not actually a very good thing to do); you can take pro-biotics, vitamins and Omega-3 pills daily; you could sit in the woods for an hour each weekend; etc &etc.
But at the end of all the hazzah and crazyness and after ever hour of your life is devoted to obsessing about your health, it is still not completely in your control. There is still the past, and the unaccountable.
Now, it's true that the past may be "your fault," in that you made some bad decisions that negatively impacted your health on a pretty drastic scale. Especially if it is still plaguing you. However, something can be caused by you, and still not be changeable. So while some of it may be your fault, there is nothing you can do about it. If there is nothing you can do to change the decisions in your past, then the healthiest thing you can do is let go. Don't let others harass you about it either. It's done. If you are doing your absolute best, and still you have problems because of choices in your past, then it is effectively out of your hands.
So in a past-reflective sense, if you are doing the best you can, is your health still your fault? I guess so, but it's not a healthy way of looking at it. In a now-oriented sense, if you are doing the best you can, then your bad health isn't your fault because there is nothing you can do about it. If you can't do anything about it, is it your fault? No. It may have once been, but it is not now.
Now this fancy juggling with words is not letting someone off the hook for their responsibility. This is permission for people to forgive themselves, let go of something they have no control over, and accept that their best is only their practical, actual best--not some theoretical and utterly impossible "best."
The last of it all is the unaccountable. It might be where you were born; when you were born; who your parents are; if there was too much yellow in your nursery; if you caught a cold when you were a baby; if you didn't eat enough dirt; if you ate the wrong dirt; or things are just the way they are and no one but God knows why. The unaccountable is endless because we live in a world that is always changing. One of the hard truths of this life is that a person can be doing the best for themselves, and their health is still mysteriously crippled. It happens. It's the nature of life. We do get sick. There is nothing we can do to anticipate, or prevent this happening completely--this must be accepted.
This essay is for two people.
To the person who is sick, and who for the thousandth time has searched online for any clue as to why they can't get better despite all the things they have done or tried. Recognize that much of your health is in your control . . . but the rest is not. Do the best you can with what you can control, and then rest and let go. Don't continue blaming yourself for things that you can't change or control. Sometimes life is about learning how to live even when you're sick.
To the person who judges the sick--stop. If you don't know with utter certainty what they eat each day, or what they've done to improve their health, or all the trouble they've gone through trying to fix what seems to be an un-fixable problem, then be very careful what you say. Telling them to lay off sugar when they haven't had any for over a year, or trying to teach them the importance of stress reduction when all they can do is lay in bed all day from exhaustion, demonstrates that you think they are doing something wrong, when you have no idea what they are doing at all. A new idea, or a kind suggestion is not a bad thing (tactfully done), but be sure it applies before you offer it, and remember that in the end all your good advice, even strictly followed, may never have the power to bring them back to health.
Many people speak with authority about health, simply because they are lucky enough to be healthy. They feel like they are in control of it because it is currently going their way. It may not always go their way. It was and never will be completely in their control.
Oh, how much simpler it would be if I could have titled this post "It's YOUR fault you're unhealthy!" or "It's NOT your fault . . ." Not only would it sound firm and convincing, but it also would have drawn in twice the audience; the part that already agrees with the statement, and the part that wants to argue vehemently about it.
But I'm more of a perspective person--stand back and really think about it. Once you do that, wow! 95% of all your statements will end with question marks followed by the phrase "well, yes and no."
But enough of that!
This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. And my lungs, And my throat and sinus cavities. Oh, just about every speck of my body because I am the type that is "always sick." I have had more than my share of people looking at me, or hearing I was sick again and then offering me unsolicited and off-base suggestions based on their erroneous assumptions. It occurred to me while I was tuning out the latest person to tell me I should eat more vegetables, that all this input was probably because society has completely swallowed the illusion that we are totally in control of our health.
Now, we do have some measure of control. This is very true, and very important. We control what we eat, how we exercise, how we sleep, and to a great extent the amount of stress we bring into our lives (and this is coming from a mother of two autistic children). Once you've covered those four major bases, you are supposed to have covered the vast majority of what it means to be healthy.
Still, that's not all of it.
You could go even further--you could move to get cleaner air; you could go to a therapist to learn how to have fulfilling relationships; you could Purell your hands every hour (this btw, is not actually a very good thing to do); you can take pro-biotics, vitamins and Omega-3 pills daily; you could sit in the woods for an hour each weekend; etc &etc.
But at the end of all the hazzah and crazyness and after ever hour of your life is devoted to obsessing about your health, it is still not completely in your control. There is still the past, and the unaccountable.
Now, it's true that the past may be "your fault," in that you made some bad decisions that negatively impacted your health on a pretty drastic scale. Especially if it is still plaguing you. However, something can be caused by you, and still not be changeable. So while some of it may be your fault, there is nothing you can do about it. If there is nothing you can do to change the decisions in your past, then the healthiest thing you can do is let go. Don't let others harass you about it either. It's done. If you are doing your absolute best, and still you have problems because of choices in your past, then it is effectively out of your hands.
So in a past-reflective sense, if you are doing the best you can, is your health still your fault? I guess so, but it's not a healthy way of looking at it. In a now-oriented sense, if you are doing the best you can, then your bad health isn't your fault because there is nothing you can do about it. If you can't do anything about it, is it your fault? No. It may have once been, but it is not now.
Now this fancy juggling with words is not letting someone off the hook for their responsibility. This is permission for people to forgive themselves, let go of something they have no control over, and accept that their best is only their practical, actual best--not some theoretical and utterly impossible "best."
The last of it all is the unaccountable. It might be where you were born; when you were born; who your parents are; if there was too much yellow in your nursery; if you caught a cold when you were a baby; if you didn't eat enough dirt; if you ate the wrong dirt; or things are just the way they are and no one but God knows why. The unaccountable is endless because we live in a world that is always changing. One of the hard truths of this life is that a person can be doing the best for themselves, and their health is still mysteriously crippled. It happens. It's the nature of life. We do get sick. There is nothing we can do to anticipate, or prevent this happening completely--this must be accepted.
This essay is for two people.
To the person who is sick, and who for the thousandth time has searched online for any clue as to why they can't get better despite all the things they have done or tried. Recognize that much of your health is in your control . . . but the rest is not. Do the best you can with what you can control, and then rest and let go. Don't continue blaming yourself for things that you can't change or control. Sometimes life is about learning how to live even when you're sick.
To the person who judges the sick--stop. If you don't know with utter certainty what they eat each day, or what they've done to improve their health, or all the trouble they've gone through trying to fix what seems to be an un-fixable problem, then be very careful what you say. Telling them to lay off sugar when they haven't had any for over a year, or trying to teach them the importance of stress reduction when all they can do is lay in bed all day from exhaustion, demonstrates that you think they are doing something wrong, when you have no idea what they are doing at all. A new idea, or a kind suggestion is not a bad thing (tactfully done), but be sure it applies before you offer it, and remember that in the end all your good advice, even strictly followed, may never have the power to bring them back to health.
Many people speak with authority about health, simply because they are lucky enough to be healthy. They feel like they are in control of it because it is currently going their way. It may not always go their way. It was and never will be completely in their control.
-
Thoughts
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Love, Ego, and Recognition
The other day I was chewing some mental-cud over two different forms of love I see wandering around. The first is the type of love that seems to have no basis on knowing who a person is--the love we may feel for groups of people, strangers, or acquaintances. The other type of love is the more personal love we feel for the people we really know--family members and sweethearts. I caught myself thinking about how much nicer it is to be loved because people actually know you and "love you for who you are. . ."
Then I stopped, and had to think again.
Because we don't really want that. Not really. The trouble with being loved because of who you are is that it is a conditional love. You may change. You may grow out of your behavior. You may pick up a new habit, or let another one go. Your thinking may mellow with age. You are always changing. If someone loves you because of who you are, then there is absolutely no garentee that their love will endure the change.
Some might think this is a good thing. They want to actually earn love--especially those who think they deserve love because they are good or better (the unstated comparison there is "better than others"). But that is just as hazy and uncertain because what makes a person good or better is only a judgement. Those who value hard work will value hard work in others, but it's just as easy to value a relaxed attitude, or a sense of fun, or numberless other attributes. You can be more honest, you can be more caring, you can be more intelligent, and to some extent you can claim this is objective. However, in order for you to be good, or better, someone has to be standing across from you, and saying that being more intelligent is better. So once again, love is based on something that is conditional, and subject to change, because people's values change and evolve as they grow.
Now we have entered a very gray area. There are many who would point out that "wanting to deserve love" can be a very good thing. So many movies and books where the shady past of the hero is put aside because he wants to be worthy of the woman he loves. All very romantic, I'm sure. And far be it from me to discourage someone gaining virtue or leaving behind vice . . . but all the same . . . it seems like a fairly shallow tool. Yes, it may work--but for how long, and under what conditions? What if the lover leaves, dies, or the infatuation wears off? I think it is much wiser for someone to step back from the moment of passion and ask themselves why they feel unworthy. Isn't that really them passing judgment on their own behavior? So are they really changing because of the judgements of others, or because they have judged themselves based on what they value, and found themselves lacking?
But it is hard to ignore the fact that it seems natural to want to be loved for who we are. I'm pretty sure that inclination is just us playing hide and seek with out deepest desires. Again (it's a common game). Really, I think we want to be known. Sure our egos would love the affirmation that once known, people approve of us, but when you strip yourself of that 'need", or come to realize how empty such approval is (as it depends of the opinions, conditions and attitudes of others . . . all of which are almost completely outside of your control), then I think that right there in the newly emptied and swept room you can finally see the pattern on the floor that says we want to be known and loved.
That's the highest form of love. To know who someone is, and to love them without unnecessary judgement. To love them as you watch them change and grow. Children thrive on this type of love; where they are safe to grow up to be who they are, free from the painful judgements or caging approvals of their parents. And I'm just sentimental enough to really believe that our needs as children are just masked, twisted or hidden as adults.
I also believe that past the rigamarole of trying to define our love for one another, most relationships are actually like that. A woman may claim she loves her husband because of one reason or another, but then as he changes, she still loves him and just comes up with new reasons. But on the other hand, I do think that it is easy to forget or lose sight of the nature of a healthy love when we are overcome by emotions, opinions and judgements about what's going on in the muddy work of our daily lives. Still, being aware of what it means to know and love someone will help to order our lives better*.
*"Better" here being a judgement that says being personally happier, and blessing others with love and unconditional support is a good thing.
Then I stopped, and had to think again.
Because we don't really want that. Not really. The trouble with being loved because of who you are is that it is a conditional love. You may change. You may grow out of your behavior. You may pick up a new habit, or let another one go. Your thinking may mellow with age. You are always changing. If someone loves you because of who you are, then there is absolutely no garentee that their love will endure the change.
Some might think this is a good thing. They want to actually earn love--especially those who think they deserve love because they are good or better (the unstated comparison there is "better than others"). But that is just as hazy and uncertain because what makes a person good or better is only a judgement. Those who value hard work will value hard work in others, but it's just as easy to value a relaxed attitude, or a sense of fun, or numberless other attributes. You can be more honest, you can be more caring, you can be more intelligent, and to some extent you can claim this is objective. However, in order for you to be good, or better, someone has to be standing across from you, and saying that being more intelligent is better. So once again, love is based on something that is conditional, and subject to change, because people's values change and evolve as they grow.
Now we have entered a very gray area. There are many who would point out that "wanting to deserve love" can be a very good thing. So many movies and books where the shady past of the hero is put aside because he wants to be worthy of the woman he loves. All very romantic, I'm sure. And far be it from me to discourage someone gaining virtue or leaving behind vice . . . but all the same . . . it seems like a fairly shallow tool. Yes, it may work--but for how long, and under what conditions? What if the lover leaves, dies, or the infatuation wears off? I think it is much wiser for someone to step back from the moment of passion and ask themselves why they feel unworthy. Isn't that really them passing judgment on their own behavior? So are they really changing because of the judgements of others, or because they have judged themselves based on what they value, and found themselves lacking?
But it is hard to ignore the fact that it seems natural to want to be loved for who we are. I'm pretty sure that inclination is just us playing hide and seek with out deepest desires. Again (it's a common game). Really, I think we want to be known. Sure our egos would love the affirmation that once known, people approve of us, but when you strip yourself of that 'need", or come to realize how empty such approval is (as it depends of the opinions, conditions and attitudes of others . . . all of which are almost completely outside of your control), then I think that right there in the newly emptied and swept room you can finally see the pattern on the floor that says we want to be known and loved.
That's the highest form of love. To know who someone is, and to love them without unnecessary judgement. To love them as you watch them change and grow. Children thrive on this type of love; where they are safe to grow up to be who they are, free from the painful judgements or caging approvals of their parents. And I'm just sentimental enough to really believe that our needs as children are just masked, twisted or hidden as adults.
I also believe that past the rigamarole of trying to define our love for one another, most relationships are actually like that. A woman may claim she loves her husband because of one reason or another, but then as he changes, she still loves him and just comes up with new reasons. But on the other hand, I do think that it is easy to forget or lose sight of the nature of a healthy love when we are overcome by emotions, opinions and judgements about what's going on in the muddy work of our daily lives. Still, being aware of what it means to know and love someone will help to order our lives better*.
*"Better" here being a judgement that says being personally happier, and blessing others with love and unconditional support is a good thing.
-
Thoughts
Monday, April 11, 2011
Be Real With Your Friends--Let Them Be Real With You
The other day I read about a study that showed there were significant improvements in the cases of mild depression when they pursued other solutions aside from weekly talk sessions with a licensed therapist; namely journal therapy, biblio-therapy, and just-talk therapy.
Easy enough--with the first you write regularly in a journal (though this has been shown to be more effective with helping people though traumatic experiences than with depression, it has still shown some gains), the second you read a special selection of books, and the last, you make an appointment with your friend every week to go out for coffee and they let you talk about how you are feeling.
Huh. Well. Interesting.
But here's the part that just kills me. I sat back thinking about all that, and what it really meant about how we were healing when we pursued those paths--when a rude thought begged me, "how many people would rather pay a stranger $75 an hour rather than admit their weaknesses to a friend?"
I know that I probably would. And I've been working on this whole "shameful honesty" thing for over a year because I do know what "shameful silence" does, and it's my bit to trying to help save the world. People around me may never admit they have problems, but if they spend too much time around me, they'll sure know I do. That basic knowledge keeps people grounded, lets them know that you can be a functioning human being, and still have issues in the closet.
I'm seen a few more "shameful honesty" pieces coming out of the blog o' sphere recently, and I'm glad for it.
So in case you haven't heard recently; it's normal to have problems. It's okay to have problems. Most people do. You don't have to be ashamed that you haven't magically got everything perfect; because we're all here just trying to figure out this "life" thing, and DANG! It's the hardest pop-quiz of all time.
And, to quote an old American blessing; I hope you have a good enough friend that you can call and ask them to help you hide the body.
And maybe call to ask them out for coffee to let you talk.
Easy enough--with the first you write regularly in a journal (though this has been shown to be more effective with helping people though traumatic experiences than with depression, it has still shown some gains), the second you read a special selection of books, and the last, you make an appointment with your friend every week to go out for coffee and they let you talk about how you are feeling.
Huh. Well. Interesting.
But here's the part that just kills me. I sat back thinking about all that, and what it really meant about how we were healing when we pursued those paths--when a rude thought begged me, "how many people would rather pay a stranger $75 an hour rather than admit their weaknesses to a friend?"
I know that I probably would. And I've been working on this whole "shameful honesty" thing for over a year because I do know what "shameful silence" does, and it's my bit to trying to help save the world. People around me may never admit they have problems, but if they spend too much time around me, they'll sure know I do. That basic knowledge keeps people grounded, lets them know that you can be a functioning human being, and still have issues in the closet.
I'm seen a few more "shameful honesty" pieces coming out of the blog o' sphere recently, and I'm glad for it.
So in case you haven't heard recently; it's normal to have problems. It's okay to have problems. Most people do. You don't have to be ashamed that you haven't magically got everything perfect; because we're all here just trying to figure out this "life" thing, and DANG! It's the hardest pop-quiz of all time.
And, to quote an old American blessing; I hope you have a good enough friend that you can call and ask them to help you hide the body.
And maybe call to ask them out for coffee to let you talk.
-
Thoughts
Saturday, April 9, 2011
New This Season, Hating Kids!: or, Society Fashion's Influence on Our Happiness
The other day I wrote a little about why so many people now-a-days may not enjoy being parents. I believe there are actually many, many numerous reasons, so don't let my minimal tangents fool you--I know the whole thing is complicated, but I'm not here to get into all of that . . .
I'm here to finish up that side thought I introduced by saying that people in the modern American society are actually trained not to enjoy being a parent.
You do know that the society we feed on each day has a tremendous amount of influence on us, right? From the people we hang out with, to the books that we read, to the TV we consume, billboards, conversations we overhear at a restaurant: I am not kidding you, all of this makes a difference in how we think and feel. I don't think this is a bad thing--just a thing. It's the way we are because we are such social creatures.
Stepping back from American culture and looking in makes it easy to see that we aren't very family friendly as far as fashion is concerned (we do, however, take amazingly good and compassionate care of the children we have). All the TV shows seem to feature young un-marrieds going about their ironic and humorous lives. Parties are the "in" thing. Adventuresome lives where a man can just pick up and go climb Everest is romantic, and admired. It's even now become socially acceptable (at least on-line) for people without children to hatefully complain about the fact they must at times come into contact with children, such as when they were hoping to eat out at a nice peaceful resturant.
No, I'm not joking. Those cites are not uncommon. And they shamefully seem to be giving perceived validity to opinions that would have otherwise just been seen as selfish and ridiculous (My word! Did the world not revolve around you today? Darn it! I can't tell you how many times I've told parents to either raise perfect children who behave perfectly, or to not reproduce!).
Sigh.
Anyways. The point was that our society's fashion gives us an unconscious sense that the good life is a life of freedom from responsibility, and when those who feel the profound pull to reproduce have little children, they get caught looking back and thinking about all the parties they're missing.
Now, theoretically, this less-responsibility life has charms (I'm taking people's word for it--I've never been much of a party-person). However, it doesn't have to be the only type of living that brings happiness. Nor does it have to be the one that society pushes.
This struck me when I was watching a movie some weeks ago portraying an eastern culture from another era. The idea that being married and baring children was the best way to assure happiness for a man subtly saturated the society. It had almost no baring on the plot, but you could see it at work in the background. On reflection, I realized that this was probably a fairly common socially accepted fashion in various cultures and time periods, having the same social pull our current less-than-friendly-to-children social fashion has.
So what?
Well, A) our current no-kid fashion is only a fashion, it wasn't always that way and it probably won't always be that way; B) like all other fashions, these only talk about how great one thing is, completely failing to mention all the other great things out there (like having a family); C) if we waste our time thinking about how much fun we could be having if we weren't parents, of course we're going to be less happy as parents.
I guess the "cure" is simple enough. Never forget that there are many things to enjoy in life--including the joy of having kids. Maybe try and limit how much toxic cultural beliefs you are exposed to each day or week. If you aren't enjoying being a parent, stop moping and try to figure out how to enjoy it.
I'm here to finish up that side thought I introduced by saying that people in the modern American society are actually trained not to enjoy being a parent.
You do know that the society we feed on each day has a tremendous amount of influence on us, right? From the people we hang out with, to the books that we read, to the TV we consume, billboards, conversations we overhear at a restaurant: I am not kidding you, all of this makes a difference in how we think and feel. I don't think this is a bad thing--just a thing. It's the way we are because we are such social creatures.
Stepping back from American culture and looking in makes it easy to see that we aren't very family friendly as far as fashion is concerned (we do, however, take amazingly good and compassionate care of the children we have). All the TV shows seem to feature young un-marrieds going about their ironic and humorous lives. Parties are the "in" thing. Adventuresome lives where a man can just pick up and go climb Everest is romantic, and admired. It's even now become socially acceptable (at least on-line) for people without children to hatefully complain about the fact they must at times come into contact with children, such as when they were hoping to eat out at a nice peaceful resturant.
No, I'm not joking. Those cites are not uncommon. And they shamefully seem to be giving perceived validity to opinions that would have otherwise just been seen as selfish and ridiculous (My word! Did the world not revolve around you today? Darn it! I can't tell you how many times I've told parents to either raise perfect children who behave perfectly, or to not reproduce!).
Sigh.
Anyways. The point was that our society's fashion gives us an unconscious sense that the good life is a life of freedom from responsibility, and when those who feel the profound pull to reproduce have little children, they get caught looking back and thinking about all the parties they're missing.
Now, theoretically, this less-responsibility life has charms (I'm taking people's word for it--I've never been much of a party-person). However, it doesn't have to be the only type of living that brings happiness. Nor does it have to be the one that society pushes.
This struck me when I was watching a movie some weeks ago portraying an eastern culture from another era. The idea that being married and baring children was the best way to assure happiness for a man subtly saturated the society. It had almost no baring on the plot, but you could see it at work in the background. On reflection, I realized that this was probably a fairly common socially accepted fashion in various cultures and time periods, having the same social pull our current less-than-friendly-to-children social fashion has.
So what?
Well, A) our current no-kid fashion is only a fashion, it wasn't always that way and it probably won't always be that way; B) like all other fashions, these only talk about how great one thing is, completely failing to mention all the other great things out there (like having a family); C) if we waste our time thinking about how much fun we could be having if we weren't parents, of course we're going to be less happy as parents.
I guess the "cure" is simple enough. Never forget that there are many things to enjoy in life--including the joy of having kids. Maybe try and limit how much toxic cultural beliefs you are exposed to each day or week. If you aren't enjoying being a parent, stop moping and try to figure out how to enjoy it.
-
Thoughts
Friday, April 8, 2011
Forget Family Time To Enjoy Parenting
I read an article that really put a tick in my ear. It talked all about how parents were miserable, and they claimed they weren’t because of “cognitive dissonance”—which is a fancy way of saying we’re trying to convince ourselves (and maybe others too) that we do in fact enjoy being parents.
Oh, yeah. Don’t get me started.
And though I could write annals on what was wrong with the article (*cough* blatant misuse of non-applicable research to prove a point with bad logic *cough*), I just don’t think I have the time to write the 400 page rant.
I am, after all, a mother.
And I like being a mother.
“Oh, there she goes again with her cognitive dissonance. The poor thing.”
Not quite. I think one of the reasons that so many parents are less happy than non-parents is two fold; 1) I think that society actually trains us to not like being parents (another blog post for another time), and 2) we don’t really know how to enjoy being parents. After all, while I always loved my children (God cheats with that whole maternal-instinct thing) it took me a long time to figure out how to enjoy being their Mom.
Ironically, one of the grossly misapplied studies the article actually highlighted a small point that I would like to comment on. The author talked about how a study found that parents claim to enjoy spending time with their children, but when questioned after a family outing, they didn’t really enjoy it at all!
Ladies and gentlemen—the absolute fastest way to learn to enjoy being a parent is learning effective loving discipline. . .
But! The second fastest way to learn to enjoy being a parent is letting go of your plans and learning to love them in your normal day.
I remember when I was inspired by numerous articles to try and create artificial times for my family to be together in a common activity. It sucked. Maybe there are some families that have made this work . . . magically. Seriously, I have no idea how they do it, but kudos to them! For the rest of us, with older children, you might have a chance (depending on the level of belligerence) but with younger children, my experience says families aren’t going to really enjoy it because plans never work out, things go wrong and it winds up being too much work. Stress is high, love factor is low.
When I let all that go, and tried to embrace a slowing down and relaxing, all of a sudden I had time to listen to them insult each other by calling the other “pancakes!” Or I could teach my son how to play Mario Brothers. Or I could read to my youngest. Or I could banish them to their room and come back after they had built a whole city with their blocks. I tried to say “yes” more often when they asked to play Candyland. And we watch cartoons together (gasp!) . . . all the time.
You know what? They are fun, funny, crazy, loving, bizarre little sociological experiments! I enjoy being around them. We tease each other (though I do demand a certain level of respect: see note on fastest way to enjoy being a parent-above). It’s relaxed and enjoyable. Because my stress level is lower since I'm not aggravated that my expectations aren't being met, I'm free to enjoy what is happening.
And now that they’re a little older, I may spontaneously decide it’s time to hit the big park, or go out for a small outing. But I try to never expect anything and just enjoy what happens, and I know that there isn’t much more than one hour before Z gets restless. It’s life!
P.S. The third fastest way to become a happier parent is to throw all parenting magazines (not books—magazines) in a pile and light it on fire while fore-swearing them forever.
-
Thoughts
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Leaf Sketch
A sketch from one of my all-time favorite photos. Done is graphite and colored pencil.
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Art
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Audacity of the Crocus
the audacity of the crocus
to stand on March dirt or through snow
as the first of spring renewal
so it's peaceful existence
shouts to us
to stand on March dirt or through snow
as the first of spring renewal
so it's peaceful existence
shouts to us
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Poetry
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Romance and Insomnia
I have trouble with insomnia. It comes. It goes. It's normal.
But you learn a lot when you are up in the middle of the night. You learn how much light your partner can sleep with, and how to occupy your mind with patience. You begin to appreciate the space of a king-size bed for keeping your sleeplessness on one side You learn at exactly what times those early birds wake up.
I've also learned that Adam talks in his sleep. It's kinda sweet and kinda funny to listen to someone when they don't know what they're saying. You catch a glimpse of who they really are, and what occupies their mind.
Last night, I couldn't sleep. I've learned that Adam is more sympathetic when my tossing and turning hasn't kept him up as well, so I got up and went to sketch something. When I got back to bed, I turned on the my lamp and crawled under the blankets.
In his sleep, he said to me, "Shhh, it's okay, Honey." He muttered something else, and then turned over.
I love being married, because I have a man who is always looking out for me. He knows his role well. He knows it well enough to do it in his sleep.
Relationships and love are beautiful; it's so much nicer than trying to do it all and go at it alone.
But you learn a lot when you are up in the middle of the night. You learn how much light your partner can sleep with, and how to occupy your mind with patience. You begin to appreciate the space of a king-size bed for keeping your sleeplessness on one side You learn at exactly what times those early birds wake up.
I've also learned that Adam talks in his sleep. It's kinda sweet and kinda funny to listen to someone when they don't know what they're saying. You catch a glimpse of who they really are, and what occupies their mind.
Last night, I couldn't sleep. I've learned that Adam is more sympathetic when my tossing and turning hasn't kept him up as well, so I got up and went to sketch something. When I got back to bed, I turned on the my lamp and crawled under the blankets.
In his sleep, he said to me, "Shhh, it's okay, Honey." He muttered something else, and then turned over.
I love being married, because I have a man who is always looking out for me. He knows his role well. He knows it well enough to do it in his sleep.
Relationships and love are beautiful; it's so much nicer than trying to do it all and go at it alone.
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Thoughts
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
New Smart Phone
It's dangerous buying a phone that's smarter than you. When machines come to take over the world, we won't have good enough memories to meet at rebel rallies, and we'll believe anything Wikipedia tells us. I have a machine that can now do . . . oh, practically anything.
I could brag on the hundreds of crazy apps, but really, if you don't already know about it, you will soon. Until then, enjoy your ignorance--because once you know what is possible, you will wonder how you ever got along without phone GPS hooked up on a 4G network to Google maps. Or the game Angry Birds. Seriously. That is where civilization starts.
Alright, maybe not.
But for a luddite who is trying to sell her Kindle, I'm sure just a little more than a little enamored of my new phone. It really is freaking me out how convenient it makes life.
Or . . . it will. Once I get it to talk to my computer so I can type in the several thousand lists I have on a full sized keyboard.
Oh well. If I get frustrated at least I can fling grumpy looking birds at green pigs for stress relief.
I could brag on the hundreds of crazy apps, but really, if you don't already know about it, you will soon. Until then, enjoy your ignorance--because once you know what is possible, you will wonder how you ever got along without phone GPS hooked up on a 4G network to Google maps. Or the game Angry Birds. Seriously. That is where civilization starts.
Alright, maybe not.
But for a luddite who is trying to sell her Kindle, I'm sure just a little more than a little enamored of my new phone. It really is freaking me out how convenient it makes life.
Or . . . it will. Once I get it to talk to my computer so I can type in the several thousand lists I have on a full sized keyboard.
Oh well. If I get frustrated at least I can fling grumpy looking birds at green pigs for stress relief.
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Thoughts
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Kindle Goes, and Back to Books
Plus Pinky needs a place to hang out.
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Pictures
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